Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
