Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
