wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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