I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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