My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
