she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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