He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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