Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
