all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
