Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
