Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
