A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
