I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mom said you looked used
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
