How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
