Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
