I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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