I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
