the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
