i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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