ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
