Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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