Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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