Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
