I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Randomize
