ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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