I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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