Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
