I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love having hate sex.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
