I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
