If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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