Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
