Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
