Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
