On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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