my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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