This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
