When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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