he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
