I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
This house was built for laser tag.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I love you.
Bad choice
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