Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
