All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
