we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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