today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
