but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
