We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
