i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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