oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
