He asked to "fluff my boner.."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
