You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
