If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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