It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
