She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
