Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
