Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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