watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
